The world of television programming never ceases to amaze me

The world of television programming never ceases to amaze me.

There must be a little group of men and women who sit around in a boardroom, brainstorming about what they feel we, as the unsuspecting (and clearly bored out of our minds) viewing public would like to watch. Perhaps they make their decisions based on polls or statistics, but I secretly suspect that someone has been handing around the crack-pipe.

This theory could not have been better proven than last week, when I (clearly bored out of my mind) started flipping through the television channels in the hope that I might happen across a program that would either entertain me or at least add a few tidbits of information to my general knowledge pool.

I finally landed on the ABC, which is usually a reasonable bet, given their track record for NOT forcefully pushing such psychotic shows as «So You Think You Can Dance?» ( the short answer to this question is «No..and the break-dancing in a little yellow tu-tu is not helping.»)

However, I paused, hand on remote, to see what potentially absorbing documentary was on offer.

Instead of images of historical political figures or breath-taking Incan architecture, I was faced with disturbing visuals of a large, and quite hirsute man’s buttocks, and his even larger and more unsettling case of hemorrhoids.

Simultaneously dropping the remote, my jaw and the bowl of grapes that I was eating (I have not been able to look a grape in the stem since) , all I could utter was a loud and tortured «EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!».


 The ABC, may not have succumbed to airing the ludicrous likes of «Big Brother» and «Hillbilly Wife Swap»; however, they have launched into even muddier and odious waters with their new show, «World’s Most Embarrassing Diseases».

Yes, you heard right…this is a television program that solely revolves around some poor sods case of piles and other crass and, well, just plain weird and scary-ass ailments.

Apart from the half-man/half-chimp’s sad and sorry behind, we are introduced to «Molly».

Molly came into the doctor’s office complaining that she was having a touch of bother in the workplace. This was mainly due to the fact that she was, in her own words, a little too malodorous «down there». Molly was feeling quite the ostracised one, and was experiencing a serious decline in «sleepover» invitations.

Cut to scene where one of her workmates is sadly nodding his head. «Molly’s a great girl, to be sure. I just think she would be better suited to the Tuna Tinning Industry.»

Luckily, the great doctor saved the day. He advised (whilst poking around… head between stirrups) a variety of antidotes and medical solutions.

Molly is smiling, doctor is smiling, and a pretty rainbow appears in the sky as the end credits start to roll.


Next week, we’ve been told that there will be a man with nasty looking rash on his groin and a woman who looks like she has acquired a third (and purple) breast.

Can’t wait!

See you same crack-time, same crack-channel!

Apart from the utterly gross content of this prime-time freak show, one HAS to ask the question, «Who ARE these people? And what on Earth possessed them to make an appearance on television to showcase their icky and gruesome afflictions to the rest of the country?

Do the show’s producers canvas the country’s medical waiting rooms advocating auditions?

Is there a show of hands when asked «Okay, next segment…acne and goitres. Where are the acne and goitres people?? Yep..that’s right..Elephant man, please go to Studio 4, next door on the left»

It’s one thing to perhaps embarrass oneself by trying to sing Celine Dion’s «My Heart Will Go On» several keys flat. It is quite another thing to turn into the camera and share your case of crabs with the rest of the Western world.

What will the ABC do next? «World’s Ugliest Midget Toddlers»? How about «So You Think You Can Vomit?».

The next episode will be running at 9:30 EST next Wednesday, and I thought I would  never see the day, but I will be tuning into the «O’Reilly Factor» which shares the same time slot on the Fox News Channel.

God help us all!


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